In my defense...

The other night, I snapped at one of my best friends.  I snapped at her because I was getting defensive...of my knowledge of baseball of all things.  (For those who don't know me well, a generous summation of my knowledge of all sports is: "limited.")  And pretty much immediately, maybe even before I was done with my stupid tyraid, I regretted it deeply. I freakin' hate when I do that kind of thing.  So ugly.  Why couldn't I have just let it go?  Or responded with a nonchalant "oh, actually I do know that reference...amazing right?"  Why did I feel such fire in my belly to come to my own defense at the expense of someone else?  (someone I really love and respect)  What is it in me that is so desperate not to be humiliated?

In one study I did of the gospel of Matthew, I studied specifically Jesus' words and then wrote at the tops of the pages in my Bible words that seemed to sum up his attitudes and/or his commands.  Guess what word is written at the top of nearly every page of the book of Matthew in my Bible?  Humility.  And um, am I the only one who notices the uncomfortable similarity in the words  "humiliate" and "humility"?  Ugh.

Don't worry...I'm not actually about to delve into a blermon (that's blog + sermon, for you word mash-up novices) about humility and Jesus' commands and examples of it.  I'm just going to tell you this:  I'm wrestling with this today...noticing that whatever it is in me that arched its back and hissed at my friend when her words humiliated...uh, humbled me seems to be in direct opposition of something that will make me more like my true self.  

See, I'm not up for adding "humble thyself" to a religious to do list from which I will never scratch off a single item (so I sure as heck am not going to suggest anyone else do the same).  I have nothing to earn by being more humble.  But I do think I have a lot to gain from letting humility and even humiliation find a comfortable place in my world.  What I know is this: God designed me to be whole and perfect and sin messed all that up.  Jesus laid down his life once and for all to fix that colossal mess up.  And now, through relationship with him, I have the opportunity to become more and more like that true, whole self that He originally intended me to be...and that's what I want.  I want to learn how to humble myself because it was a clue that Jesus gave me to step closer to my true self.  And it's there that I expect to find a more full life.  Through that full life, I expect to honor God more consistently and more joyfully.

For the record, I have a pathetic knowledge of basically every sport known to man.  I did know who Mark McGwire was and that he'd had a big tie with someone else for home runs or something and that later it turned out he used steroids.  But in the spirit of full disclosure, when I got all huffy about it, I actually wasn't 100% sure if I was thinking of the right person.  I also just googled the name to make sure I was spelling it right.  It was totally fair to say, "She probably doesn't know what that means."

Lord, have mercy.  I want to see You.  


~KtH


p.s. Gungor - Beautiful Things...can't stop listening to this song.